Tufts University
“What makes you happy?”
There is a lot of things that make me happy like basketball, collecting shoes, hanging out with friends but the thing that makes me happy the most is my family. I am always happy with my family no matter if we argue because we all love each other and we always there for someone no matter what.
My family makes me happy because we will always have a good time even if we don't for out or just stay at home we will always have a good time. As i said before basketball makes me happy because when I was young I fell in love with the game and I tried other sports but I never enjoyed the other sports. Basketball makes me happy because happy because I have a passion for it even if I have my ups and down with it, basketball will always make me happy because I want to go to the pros. Collecting shoes is something that makes me happy because the shoes I get are mostly are for basketball and it is just something that I sticked with since I was in middle school. It makes me happy because I know that sneakers is very hyped now and I just want to collect more because it is fun and it makes me happy.
Also hanging out with m friends makes me happy because just like my family my friends and I always have a good time together because we know what we all like and what we like to do. Also we will never have a bad time with each other because we will always have something to do like playing sports, video games, or going to the beach or pool we will always have a good time.
All of these things will make me happy because no matter what I will always have a good time with it because it is fun to do or be with and it will always make me happy even if I had bad day these things will always cheer me up.
My family makes me happy because we will always have a good time even if we don't for out or just stay at home we will always have a good time. As i said before basketball makes me happy because when I was young I fell in love with the game and I tried other sports but I never enjoyed the other sports. Basketball makes me happy because happy because I have a passion for it even if I have my ups and down with it, basketball will always make me happy because I want to go to the pros. Collecting shoes is something that makes me happy because the shoes I get are mostly are for basketball and it is just something that I sticked with since I was in middle school. It makes me happy because I know that sneakers is very hyped now and I just want to collect more because it is fun and it makes me happy.
Also hanging out with m friends makes me happy because just like my family my friends and I always have a good time together because we know what we all like and what we like to do. Also we will never have a bad time with each other because we will always have something to do like playing sports, video games, or going to the beach or pool we will always have a good time.
All of these things will make me happy because no matter what I will always have a good time with it because it is fun to do or be with and it will always make me happy even if I had bad day these things will always cheer me up.
If you're going to say that the thing that matters the most to you is family, then you need to elaborate more on that. Majority of your essay needs to be about your family and why they make you happy. You can't just jump from topic to topic and write about random things that make you happy when your topic is "family". Other than that, your essay really shows who you are and what you like to do, which is the main point of the essay. Overall, good job.
ReplyDeleteIf you hit "Cmd + F" or "Ctrl + F" and type in 'happy', it'll highlight all sections of the essay that contain the word 'happy' in it. Delete it and type in 'because'. Those two words were used very frequently throughout the essay and can sound really repetitive, so if anything, I'd tune up the vocabulary range of your essay. The prompt that Tufts University gave you is very vague and open, so I understand that it can really allow you to expand your essay towards anything, but you should definitely exercise that privilege. Detail your past experiences, address the readers themselves as if you're talking to a person about what makes you happy. Be genuine in it too. If what you wrote in your essay is truly genuine, then, as I said above, expand your vocabulary range and use different words to express what you really mean.
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