Becoming a NBA basketball was always a goal for me since I was 3 years old. Growing up with 2 parents, 2 sisters, and 1 brother it was a sport family, everyone was playing a sport including me. My two sister playing soccer or volleyball, my brother and I playing basketball and my mom and dad being our cheerleaders and coaches.
I first got introduced to basketball when i was watching t.v with my dad and brother. We saw a dominate basketball player playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers wearing number 23, as I was justing watching him dunk and carrying his team to a win. Then I ask my dad who was that good player and he replied yelling "LeBron James" and i said i want to be like him and he said "be yourself not like someone else".
As i was getting older my dad used to take me to the basketball court every weekend to help me improve my skills and i would feel like the basketball court is my home cause i would always go there to be myself and work on my basketball skills. The basketball court i can always be myself because everyone is different.
Basketball court is a special place for me it is what i love and what is my favorite thing to do to keep me calm with stress. It is a special place because i can be myself and no one can judge me. It has always been a 2nd home since i was little and one day maybe kids will see me play on t.v and they would want to get better at basketball.
Purpose: I felt the purpose of how the basketball court was important to you was evident. In the last paragraph you clearly tell the audience how important the court was to you. Also, you provided the reader with some evidence on how the court took the worries away from you. However, I felt that the purpose can be clearer. I think if you added more examples of how the court pulled you through tough times can give an even clearer purpose. For example, you can write about the times when you were stressed and used the court as a relaxer. If you provided more examples as to why the court is so great, the purpose can be even greater.
ReplyDeleteAudience: Moving onto, audience, i think it is addressed to a wide range of people and they are able to enjoy the piece. For instance, I found the background information about how you wanted to become a basketball player interesting. It gave the audience an insight about your past. However, I think that details are lacking. As I said, before there wasn't enough examples I, as the reader can't fully appreciate the topic without evidence. There were minimal evidence to tell the reader about how this place was relaxing. But, if you do add more examples of the times the basketball court was soothing to you, the reader can fully appreciate the topic.
Form: Your structure of the essay was great. i thought the way you presented the background information first and then the reflection paragraphs was cool. It provided the reader with a flow and the essay wasn't choppy or bumpy. So, in my opinion, the form of this essay doesn't need any fixes.
Content: As for content, the purpose of the essay was strong. Throughout the essay you didn’t stray anywhere besides that the basketball court was your special place. And anything other than the topic of why the court was vital towards you were purposeful. For example, the background information was purposeful in your essay and although, it didn’t talk about why the court was important to you it still was a part of it. However, I felt that your essay was lacking content. I thought that there needed to be more details to provide the readers an even more clearer image. For example, you didn’t talk about where the court was located or how it looked like. If you provide the readers with the following it would be more specific and not just saying that any court was important to you. So basically, I’m just saying be more specific. Also, I felt that you needed to reflect more by giving us examples of those times when you are in stress and use the basket ball court as a resort. As I’ve said numerous times by adding this it will give the essay more content. Not only that, I think if you added more reflection throughout your essay it will keep reassuring the reader that the basketball is your special place.
Voice: As I was reading your essay I could tell that this essay was yours. Since I’ve read many of your pieces from sitting the same table as you, I’m very familiar with your voice. So, when i read through your essay and looked over the word choice I was able to tell that this was yours. The language that you chose was yours and therefore, the voice of your essay shone.
Personal Comments: I thought that your personal comments was effective to tell the readers that the basket ball court was important to you. For example, when you wrote, “It has always been a 2nd home since i was little and one day maybe kids will see me play on t.v and they would want to get better at basketball.” This personal thought helped telling the audience about how you felt towards the basketball court. Also, all of the personal thoughts did not stray from the topic but, made the essay more focused on the topic. The only comment, i’d say is just add more personal and not just in the last two paragraphs. But, great job with the personal comments.
ReplyDeleteFinal Purpose: Lastly, the final purpose. I thought overall the reader was able to see that the basketball court held a special place in your heart but, I wasn’t totally convinced. That’s because, there wasn’t enough information. I felt that there weren’t enough evidence to back up why the court was important to you. You wrote that the place was important but didn’t back it up. Without anything to back up how vital the court was to you I can only be half convinced. I think by adding more examples such as when did it take the stress away from you or how did you know this was the place, will give the essay more persuasive power. Also, i think you should add more personal thoughts throughout the whole essay. By adding more thoughts throughout the essay you can provide the readers of a clearer insight into how you feel about the court. But, I thought you did a wonderful job informing the reader that this place is important.
hi rocky
ReplyDeleteSO, I understand your topic and the reason why this is your "querencia" very well. I was able to appreciate the topic and you presented this in a very effective and appropriate form. This was very sincere and honest, especially when pointing out the relation to your family. I think your just need A BIT MORE of reflection. I know that this is a family thing and that basketball is what you love, BUT why does it give you the sense of "being yourself", why is it a place where "no one can judge me." It would also be really helpful if you pointed out some images, like "there would be THIS thing in the corner" and "I normally see THAT on the floor", something for people to get a visual of. And a few of your personal thoughts would be okay too. All you really need are more details, you have a few, but not enough to have a comprehensible understanding of the reasons why. I'm not saying your essay is totally not understandable, but just to get a more clearer view on it, just add a few more details to the paragraphs. BUT you did explain things very well to the point I can understand the whole story of HOW this is your querencia. I can definitely hear your voice throughout this essay. I think everything flowed out in a good order, like how you first got introduced to it, to how it's so important to you now, so the structure is really good. OKAY GOOD JOB.
YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THE PURPOSE OF THIS ESSAY WHICH IS DESCRIBING YOUR SPECIAL PLACE. YOU DON'T NEED TO INCLUDE GOING TO SEE LEBRON PLAY. YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL PLACE AND WHY YOU GO THERE WHEN YOU ARE STRESSED OR HAVING BAD DAY. PLEASE READ OVER INSTRUCTION AND RUBRIC AGAIN AND REDO. AS(1)
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